For which do us part?

It’s 9 a.m. now. I had just finished my breakfast and was getting ready for the upcoming meeting. I would have another meetup with my university application advisor in the evening, giving me a free afternoon. I usually don’t take this much time to prepare myself for the day, but today would be a long day – I needed a cup of my favourite tea. Luckily, the sky was clear. It had been raining for the past few days, which made commuting on campus rather difficult.

An alumnus asked me to meet him under the big oak tree, a landmark of my school. I arrived at the location fifteen minutes early. I sat there and watched as people were passing by me. I always love to spend time observing people and guessing what they are feeling – it allows me to connect with other people in some unknown ways. The alumnus arrived on time. We were taking a stroll around the area when the alumnus asked me to go check out the LGBTQ+ society with him. I rarely tell anyone about how I feel when people keep assuming that I like talking about girls and dating girls – it makes me a bit uncomfortable most of the time when the guys keep talking about dating girls with me. But I trusted the alumnus, and I shared with him. Actually, the alumnus had asked me to check out the society with him a long time ago. But I kept turning down the offer since I was very busy with my assignments and examinations. Now that the semester was over, I finally had time to go with him. To be honest, I had some reservations about the invitation at first, but it wouldn’t hurt to try, right? It would be a waste of time at worst – apparently, I would not be assassinated merely because I went to an event organised by the LGBTQ+ society.

It was a weekly meeting with the other members of the LGBTQ+ society. The meeting was held at an apartment. The room was quite spacious and dimly lit. There were not a lot of people there, which quite comforted me since I did not enjoy crowded places at all. We were served cocktails and some finger foods. The chicken nuggets were to my taste, but I had to ask for some plain water since I could not consume alcoholic beverages. Since it was the first time I came to their meeting, the president of the society gave me a tour around the apartment. He told me that it was a place they rented and used as their headquarters. From his intel, weekly meetings and pride day events would be held there. The society originally had a few core members and quickly grew in popularity over the past two years, which was quite impressive. He told me to make myself at home – which had baffled me every time someone said that to me. Logically speaking, how can I make myself at home at a place I have never visited before, on a first visit? At least, I should have some time to familiarise myself with the functions of the place, before I can consider the place my home. But I guess it is just something people say to make someone less nervous. I doubt the effectiveness of such an act.

Another person came towards me. The president of the society left it to the-guy-who-came-only-now to complete the rest of the tour. After we introduced ourselves, the-guy-who-came-only-now informed me that he was one of the core members. He asked me if I had ever dated a guy before. I found it absurd to be asked such a question. I answered him anyway. I told him that I had a crush on a guy but did not dare to let the guy know, that I was afraid it would cause the guy to view me negatively and potentially ruin our friendship. He laughed:

• Be proud of yourself. If that guy does not respect you, he is not worthy of our love.

• What do you mean by “worthy”?

• Come on. The people who think of us as some unholy species live only in the past. It’s modern time now.

• Sorry. I don’t get your point.

• You are having a problem with self-image. Take some time to work on your self-confidence.

He walked away. I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I was staring at myself in the mirror when I heard some rather strange sounds coming from the toilet. It was some kind of groaning and grunting sounds. There seemed to be multiple different sources of the sounds, judging from the physical properties of the sounds that I heard, i.e. pitch and resonance. But I did not dare to investigate – “investigating strange sounds” usually marks the beginning of a horror movie.

I rushed out of the toilet and helped myself with some snacks in the central living room, where everyone was having a chat with one another. I grabbed some snacks and stood in a corner of the room. Another person approached me. This time, there was no greeting. The person told me:

• You were walking in the wrong way.

• What do you mean by “the wrong way”?

• It means the wrong way, that’s all. Be proud of your identity. You don’t need to pretend that you are straight by walking in the way a straight man does.

• What makes “walking in the way a straight man does” wrong?

• You are conforming to the societal expectations. It’s modern time now. Begone the homophobic past.

• What makes “conforming to the societal expectations” wrong? Are we not living in the human society, after all? Don’t get me wrong. I support the LGBTQ+ society, I just want to understand why I cannot “walk in the way a straight man does”.

• You are so brainwashed by the society.

He left after finishing that sentence. I went to find the alumnus and told him that I needed to go home early to prepare for the upcoming meeting with my university application advisor. We farewell-ed each other, and I left.

I found myself wandering in the park. I used to visit this park whenever I felt sad. I stared at a rose, immersing in its beauty. And I could not help but wonder: “Why do I like this rose?”. Is it because the rose has the look of a rose? Is it because of the smell of the rose? Is it because of the silky texture I feel whenever I touch the rose’s petals? Is it because of the delightful memory of being sent a rose on my birthday from the person I had a crush on? Or it is because of the philosophical form of the rose – the essence of this rose? I pondered. Would I still like this rose if it doesn’t look like a rose, if it has some defects on its petals? If I expect a rose to look like a rose, am I projecting some societal expectations onto the rose? If I claim that a rose can look anyhow it prefers, am I still judging the rose from its physical appearance, and thus projecting some other societal expectations onto the rose (i.e. that the look of the rose still matters, with some extra flexibility on how the rose can look like)? If we claim that someone is “unworthy” or “belongs only to the past” just because their ideology does not fit into what we believe in, are we not projecting some “societal” expectations onto that person? What makes “a gay person who walks in the way a gay person does” more righteous than “a gay person who walks in the way a straight person does”? Who, then, is being brainwashed by the society?

I took a glance at my watch, only to realise that I spent the whole afternoon watching the rose. I immediately hopped on the bus to the meeting with my advisor. I apologised to him for not having worked on the last paragraph, as set out in the previous meeting. He was upset. I noticed that he was more empathetic when he saw that I was feeling a bit down. Not to waste any time, I showed him the version I had prepared for the body paragraphs, with annotations on why I wrote the paragraphs in that way. He was glad to see the improvement.

• But you did not include one point that I had previously asked you to.

• I’m sorry. I cannot recall what point it was.

• Your identity.

• My identity? What does it have to do with my personal statement for the university application?

• As I explained to you before, claiming that you are homosexual can increase your chance of getting into your dream university.

• I understand that the university application process follows a holistic approach. But I fail to see how one’s “identity” affects one’s chance of getting into a good university.

• I don’t know how to explain it to you. If you really want to gain the best chance of getting accepted, then, do as I said.

• Why is a complicated concept as “identity” being communicated through simple terms such as “straight” or “gay”? What does the sentence “I am gay” tell the admission team about me, as a person? Are they assuming that all gay people are the same?

• But it will leverage your application.

• Since when are people being equated with “goods” - that we need a tag to sort out the “gluten-free” ones? I understand that you want the best for me. But I am sorry that I refuse to put my “identity”, if that is what you want to call it, in the personal statement. We have different perspectives on this topic, and I don’t want to argue on which is the “accurate” perspective. I just hope that we can put this matter aside and focus on the rest of the personal statement. If I fail the university application solely because I did not put my “identity” in the personal statement – let us hope not, it will then all be my fault. I am willing to take this gamble and I have already placed my wager. Please allow me to enjoy the excitement that comes with the game.

• If you demand so, we can plan your final paragraph now.

The meeting went smoothly. But I suddenly felt pretty tired… “Ting ting tinggg tin ting tinggg… ting ting ting…” The alarm on my phone rang. I woke up. I could barely recall what had just happened. I felt a bit heavy on my head. I could only recall the fear I had in my dream. Did everything just get reset by some forces outside of my control? It seems as if my dream was being written by someone, in a bizarre way. I looked at the Outlook calendar for today. I would have the morning and the afternoon free, and a meeting with my university application advisor in the evening. “Perhaps it was a nightmare due to my nervousness about the meeting,” I thought to myself. I usually have nightmares prior to important events – an examination, an interview, an important meeting, etc. I probably needed to finish the last paragraph of my personal statement before the meeting, otherwise I might be behind the agenda. I checked my phone and found a message from my mom. “Take care, son. I’ve heard that the cults have been wildly active recently. The modern cults are willing to employ clever tactics. They would disguise themselves with embroidered ideologies and promises. Be careful.”

May 2024, Singapore.